When it comes to building strong relationships, effective communication is truly an art. It’s worth pausing to consider just how often we make snap judgments about the events that unfold in our daily lives. Perhaps you’ve found yourself thinking things like, “That waitress is so dumb,” or “He’s always taking forever to respond to my emails.” Sadly, this kind of judgment has become normalized in our everyday lives. We often criticize others based on our past experiences and cultural upbringing, instead of taking the time to observe without evaluation and gather all the facts. What’s more, when expressing our own needs and negative emotions, many of us resort to violent or aggressive behavior, which only serves to create further tension and harm in our relationships.
What is Violent Communication?
The use of ” Violent Communication” can be just as damaging to individuals and groups as physical conflict. This style of communication seeks to induce feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and other negative emotions, making it difficult for the other party to express their own needs and emotions. We must recognize the harm that this type of communication can cause and strive to use more constructive and empathetic approaches in our interactions with others.
What is MA Communication?
MA Communication enables us to shift our focus to a more compassionate stage by improving our observation and listening skills. Through the use of peaceful communication styles and empathetic listening skills, we can enhance the quality of life for those around us. The foundation of MA Communication is rooted in the principles of Non-Violent Communication, which follows a four-step process: Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Request. By following this model, we can foster more meaningful connections and promote positive change in our relationships and communities.
The Non-Violent Communication Model
Observation
Observation involves taking in what you see, hear, or touch. It’s important to focus on the present moment and avoid evaluating based on assumptions from past experiences. For instance, if you observe a car speeding and changing lanes, it’s easy to assume that the driver is a reckless and inconsiderate driver. However, the reality could be that the driver received an urgent call from the daycare informing them that their child had fallen and hit their head. In this case, the driver is rushing to get to the hospital to see their daughter. It’s crucial to remain non-judgmental and gather facts before making assumptions about others.
Feeling
Feelings are the product of our thoughts and stories, but it’s important to use them as a means of expressing our needs rather than placing blame on others for how we feel. For instance, instead of saying “I feel ashamed when you talk about me being a burden at home,” it would be more constructive to say “I feel ashamed when I’m not able to contribute at home because of my health issues.” This way, we take ownership of our emotions and communicate them in a way that allows us to address our needs without unfairly placing blame on others.
Needs
Our needs can encompass a wide range of things, from basic necessities like food and safety to more complex desires like love, empathy, creativity, a sense of belonging, and opportunities for recreation and autonomy. To form strong connections with others, it’s important to engage in deep self-discovery and identify what our needs are in a given environment or relationship. Only then can we communicate our needs effectively and work towards finding solutions that meet those needs in a healthy and positive way.
Requests
When we make a request, it’s important to remember that it’s not simply a demand, but rather an opportunity for collaborative problem-solving. By clearly articulating our needs and proposing specific actions to address them, we can work together towards finding solutions that meet the needs of everyone involved.
When I see that _________________,
I feel ____________ because my need for ___________ is/is not met.
Would you be willing to ______________________________________?
For example:
When I see that you are being distanced from me, I feel unwanted because my need for present is not met. Would you be willing to tell me what made you from being so distant, so I can better understand the situation and why you are feeling this way.
Here are some examples of vocabulary for identifying emotions and necessities:
Feelings when your needs are satisfied:
| AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warmENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulatedHOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic | CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secureEXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant | GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touchedINSPIRED amazed awed wonderJOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickledEXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled | PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trustingREFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived |
Feelings when your needs are not satisfied:
| AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worriedANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irkedANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentfulAVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed | CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled tornDISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawnDISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset | EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-consciousFATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn outPAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorsefulSAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched | TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed outVULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shakyYEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful |
Needs Inventory:
| CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect | CONNECTION continued safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmthPHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water | HONESTY authenticity integrity presencePLAY joy humorPEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration orderAUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity | MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding |
Check out our YouTube channel for more entertainment about Non-Violent Communication:
Language is an art not a weapon
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